


A drop in the ocean

by petals_sunwards



Series: Reader Inserts [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Feels, Broken Heart, Bucky Barnes Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, F/M, Gen, Heartache, Heartbreak, Heartbreaking, Heavy Angst, No Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, One Shot, Reader Needs a Hug, Reader-Insert, reader loves bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-04 22:47:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18822322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petals_sunwards/pseuds/petals_sunwards
Summary: He loves me; he loves me not!he loves me not.One where reader finds out her best friend does not love her back!





	A drop in the ocean

**Author's Note:**

> Marvel has all rights to Bucky Barnes!  
> I just like to borrow him from time to time.
> 
> This is written for Tara’s 5k Writing Challenge hoasted by moonbeambucky on tumblr!  
> My prompt was 'you were made for me'

“What are you doing?” you grumbled from your spot on the couch, refusing to look away from your book.  
You knew if you look at Bucky, you would melt and he would get what he wanted. You were avoiding him for the last two weeks. You had told him you were in love with him. You always knew it was unrequited, but you had hoped you were wrong. But you were right, as always. You could see it in his eyes when you had uttered those words, pain, and hesitation. You had heard his answer in his silence, you understood he didn’t love you back. Not the way you wanted.

Bucky didn’t budge and pushed the open box in front of your nose. You stared at the chocolate mousse cheesecake in his hands. You knew what he was doing. It was a classic ‘feed a cake to get things done’ tactic but for it to work he could have at least tried to remember your favorite flavor.

“Why would you bring that?” you asked him, words slipping from my mouth with no restraint.  
“If you want to butter me up, at least do it right. I know I don’t rank higher on your favorites list; but if you want something done, learn! One would think you would know my favorite cheesecake flavor after all these years! FYI it’s Key Lime”

 

Venom in your voice surprised you. It wasn’t you. When had you turned into this bitter woman? And since when you had cared about if Bucky remembered your favorite cheesecake? Rather since when Bucky had to resort to any tactic to get your help?

 

Bucky was staring at you intensely and tears pooled into your eyes.

Why were you about to cry over stupid cheesecake?  You weren’t sure if you were angry, sad or just crazy. 

He gently set the box aside and sat next to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulder. You instinctively leaned into the arm circling you. It felt right, like old times. When everything was simpler. When you hadn’t told him how you felt about him. When you were still his, and you were sure he was yours. Before he had revealed he didn’t return your feelings.

You couldn’t get used to his warmth and his familiar smell. You just couldn’t find solace in his arms. It wasn’t your spot anymore. That happy place belonged to someone else; someone who wasn’t you. You curled into yourself and shrunk into the sofa, away from him.

An uneasy and ruthless silence settled between you as he acquiesced to your unspoken wish and moved a little away. You blankly stared at your book, trying not to dwell on what was going on in his mind.

Did he miss you at all? Or your avoidance hadn’t affected him at all?

You wanted to scream at him, question him but you just couldn’t find right words.

Was there anything left to say?

Should you ask him ‘why don’t you love me back?’  or ‘why am I not good enough for you?’ or maybe ‘Do you think you will ever fall in love with me?’?  
You knew he didn’t have answers to your questions. No one did because the universe didn’t work that way. 

“That’s the first time I have heard you speak in last two weeks.”

A simple sentence and you felt your defenses crumbling. Had you not talked for the last two weeks? You had spent your days mechanically. You had followed your muscle memory. You had woken up, covered up your puffy eyes with makeup, went to work and then came back home to cry yourself to sleep.  
Had you eaten in a few days? You couldn’t really remember.  
You hadn’t been to grocery shopping because you knew it was his turn to shop and you didn’t want to run into him.  
What were you going to tell him?  
That you traded your waterproof mascara for smudgy kajal to have a reason not to cry at your workplace?  
Or you had nobody else to talk with?  
Or you had nothing to talk?  
Or that it didn’t matter if you talked or not, no one was interested in it, anyway?

A lone tear escaped your eyes, and you were glad his eyes were fixed at ceiling and not your face.

He rubbed his eyes tiredly as if he hadn’t slept properly for a few nights. His shoulders sagged in a defeat and you wondered if his eyes were as bloodshot as yours. He was hurting for you, blaming himself for your broken heart. The heart he had broken, through no fault of his.

The silence which used to envelope you two like a warm blanket felt like a stabbing knife. All you wanted to do was hug him and cry your heart out. Tell him how much it hurt, tell him all about your bad day was and how you couldn’t even concentrate on the book in your lap.

“For last fifteen years whenever you have a bad day, I pick up this cheesecake from Mike’s Pastry.” Bucky chuckled, his eyes still focused on a ceiling.  
“You always buy Key Lime cheesecake for me, even though you hate it with passion. The only time you tasted it was when Steve and I held you down and force feed it. You gave me an evil eye for months for that.”

A muffled sob escaped your throat and you felt Bucky stiffen next to you. This was the reason you didn’t want to cry in front of him. He would blame himself for your tears. He would beat himself up because you were sad.

“Please don’t cry.” His voice cracked and he pulled you into a hug.

You breathed in his cologne and the dam broke. All your worries, your fears, and suppressed anger bubbled in your chest. You didn’t hold it back this time, instead; you let it all out. Who else was there to console you?

Oh, how much you wished it could be your life. Bucky to be there for you around every twist and turn. You could just go back to the way it was. At least for a while, you could just stay here and he could pretend he loved you back.

This thought jerked you back into the present. Bucky Barnes was a fool enough to sacrifice his happiness for yours. If he knew how broken you were, he would just give up on his chance of love.  You couldn’t let that happen. Just because you didn’t have your happy ending, didn’t mean you would let him give up on his.

“Buck..”  You whispered, suddenly calm and collected, “I am leaving.” When he tried to open his mouth to protest, you just waved him off and continued.  
“ You were made for me. I knew that since I was a little girl. I am in love with you for years. But now, I am jealous, angry and bitter. I am not a girl I used to be.”

“Doll. Please don’t leave me. I will do anything, please don’t go” He pulled you closer and stroked your hair. His face as tear-stained as yours.

“I can’t be around you Bucky. I am scared of what I will do if I stay here with you. I am terrified of what this resentment will do to me. I don’t want to be a jealous, bitter cow. I can’t stay here and watch you fall in love with someone else.” You buried your face in his chest as you admitted your deepest fear to him. You had no idea where you were going or what you would do next. However, you knew you couldn’t stay with Bucky.

“Doll, I am sorry..” Bucky hesitated when you pulled away from his hug. He didn’t want to let you go. He couldn’t ask you to stay, it wasn’t fair for you. He did not understand what to say to you. It was not part of the plan. He was supposed to shield you from all heartbreaks and beat up any guy who made you cry. But here he was, his own nightmare. Someone who not only broke your heart but also turned the most cheerful girl he knew into a crying mess.

“It’s not your fault Bucky. Maybe I was never made for you.  We just didn’t know it.”  You wiped his tears away and kissed his cheek. It was hard, walking away from him but you had to do it.

Maybe some other time, some other place you would have been soulmates but now and here it wasn’t true.  You had to accept it and leave the man you love behind for your sanity. You would not let yourself consume with blind jealousy or bitterness. Unrequited or not, you would not let your love for Bucky turn into anything ugly. You would love him from afar if that’s what it takes.

 “Goodbye, Buck!” You murmured, hugging him for the last time. You didn’t look back when you walk away. Because you were nothing but a drop in the ocean and Bucky deserved the ocean.


End file.
